While cleaning out our spare room last night I found a small sheet of notebook paper that contained a message from my past. It was like a message in a bottle from my former self to my present self. I have no way of knowing when I wrote this. I only know all too well the feelings I was experiencing when I wrote it in a scribbled mess on this notebook paper. At the moment I wrote this message I was lamenting the loss of true moments that I can claim as my own.
I want moments that are my own. I crave these moments like I crave snowy mountain peaks during a long hot summer.
These moments define my life and help to convince me that my life is not only special and and might also be worthy of such moments. I am worthy of blinding moments of clarity not only beauty but ones of praise and thanksgiving.
Why the struggle? Why must I struggle for my moments?
Frederick Douglass said “If there is no struggle there is no progress.” In the struggle, progress is necessary so there will always be struggle, but the struggle doesn’t always have to be horrible.
As I think about this passage that I wrote in the past I am struck by the realization that there are no moments that I can call my own if I am unable to understand who I am. How can I claim something as being mine if I am unable to put my whole being into those moments? Until recently I was unable to live these essential moments with joy, happiness, and gratitude. I had filled my head with nonsense that I didn’t deserve to have these kinds of moments, because I was somehow fundamentally flawed.
I had convinced myself that only people who have their lives figured out, who are thin, beautiful, and accomplished are able to enjoy the daily beauty in their lives. I have learned that I can love myself and who I am for what I am and that is perfectly fine. I am more than capable of making changes in my life and celebrating everything that I have. It was no accident that I found this note to myself this week. This will be my first week without an appointment with my life coach. Apparently I am feeling that I need to provide myself with a little direction and I got it in the craziest way possible – from my past self.
It is good for me to feel like I am making progress in investing in myself, in eating cleanly, and in taking time for daily exercise. I am also paying attention to the good things in my daily life, that is the purpose of writing this blog. I am taking time for myself, for my relationship, and investing in my future. Progress is spectacular and by that logic the struggle is also spectacular, so I choose to embrace the struggle. There will always be struggle but now the struggle looks different to me, it looks like progress in action…and progreess in action is a spectacular reframing of the concept of struggle.
spectaculareveryday 