Regrets

Regrets…we all have them but what happens to a person who has so many regrets that they don’t know what to do with them? What happens when I feel like I haven’t truly been living my life, only surviving daily struggles and occasional wins? What happens when I feel as if life has passed me by and I have not moved forward in every area of my life? What happens when I carry all of this around and don’t share any of it with anyone?

This post is, neigh my entire blog is meant to give me a voice and give me permission to share what I never thought I could share, the fear that I haven’t really been living my life and I have let so many amazing moments pass me by because I was afraid to take risks and to be me, of being seen for what I really am.

Statement: I am afraid that I have not truly been living my life, I have been letting it pass me by.
It is true, I kind of checked out of my life and just survived my life rather than truly enjoying each moment of this incredible life I have been given. But there are many things that I did, that I challenged myself to do, and that I discovered even while being checked out. I met and kept fantastic friends, I fell in love, I lost love, I lost loved-ones, I found a spiritual connection that I could believe in, I moved many times, I learned many lessons, I discovered how to be a person for others, I discovered that I am a healer, I travelled, I read fantastic books, I listened to amazing and inspiring music, and above all without knowing it I discovered who I am. I may not have consciously made the decision to find me or to become a better person – but it happened over time while I wasn’t paying attention. And today I am realizing that like the most life-changing experiences I have experienced the decision happened without me noticing. Someone seems to be looking out for me because while I have made some interesting decisions and probably some dangerous choices at times, I have been able to come through the outcomes of those choices. Everything that has happened to me in my life and all of the wonderful, beautiful, and downright life-changing moments have made me who I am today. I embrace and accept how I was living my life in the past and today I pledge to you all that I will no longer half-ass my life. I will live my life by seeing everything that I can, by taking chances, and by loving myself and my spectacular life daily.

Statement: I am afraid that I have missed my chance to be more, do more, and to be what I truly want to be. Like my friends have done.
This is really about comparison, right? Yep it is about the trap we all fall into every now and then of comparing ourselves and our lives with others’ lives. I turned 36 this June, and it has been difficult coming to terms with aging. But for me it is more about where I think I “should” be now that I have reached the age of 36. In reality I have achieved a great deal, I managed to find a fantastic man who loves me, supports me, and who is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I attended graduate school where I earned an MA, I landed an amazingly spectacular job right of out grad school that has fulfilled me daily for nearly 4 years now. But outside of these accomplishments my life seemed to fall flat when in comparison with my gorgeous, accomplished, and wicked smart friends. These friends are having babies, creating families, succeeding in their careers, and overall seem to be leading fulfilled and amazing lives.

What I do know
I believe comparison, this is the enemy of happiness and feeling fulfilled. Comparison is bad because we only ever see, hear, or understand what others choose to share with us about their lives and unless they are comfortable sharing the bad stuff with the good, we only hear the good. Until I realized this, I had always thought that my life was relatively normal but had way too many bumps in the road to be good. It seemed that others did not share the same struggles as I did. So, I never talked about my struggles, insecurities, my difficulties, or the perceived blemishes in my life with my friends for fear that they would learn about me and not want to be my friend (rubbish and awfully sad thing to think).

Statement: I have missed my chance to have children, even though I really do want to start a family and to become a mother.
Yes, as previously mentioned I am 36 years old. At 36 my mom had one child (me) and was pregnant with my sister. In the past I used this fact to brag that in my family we can have babies later, because my mom did. Now that I have reached that age, I am apprehensive about whether or not I will be able to have babies. My head fills with those negative thoughts in the form of irritating questions: Am I too old? Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I turn into a ball of worry and apprehension if I am unable to get pregnant right away?

What I do know:
I have spent my life acquiring experiences that will enable me to be a fantastically whole person and in the long run this will make me a better mother and a better person. I also know that it is not too late for me and that the worry makes little to no sense. I met Chris in 2002, we married in 2006 and have been married 7 years. I know that I wasn’t ready to be a mother when we first met or even when we first married. I am ready now! And this will have to be enough for me. I will do what I have to do, suck it up, get to it, and get to starting the family Chris and I have always wanted.

So to sum up, I do have a few regrets but when I really think about it they are not regrets, just negative feelings that I have associated with getting older. So no worries here, everything is going well. Writing about regrets has helped me to process what these regrets actually mean to me. I now better understand that these regrets are fueled by the meaning that I assign to them. Therefore as of today – no regrets because life is spectacular!

Assumptions

I must confess, I have taken some time off from the blog mostly because I was on vacation but I have also been taking a good deal of time to formulate my thoughts around this blog’s topic. The topic of making assumptions is at the heart of the many issues that I am working through lately. I ten to ruminate on the important topics for a long time. I decide what to say, how I will say it, and I challenge myself to be the most authentic and forthcoming about my struggles. I can fall too much into the trap of being too much in my head and I fear this has occurred while figuring out how to approach this topic. So, I decided the morning just to get it out and see what happens. For better of for worse, here it is: Assumptions (#3 on the 4 Agreements).

This morning I was in line at my local Starbucks. As I was waiting I found myself wondering what kind of day everyone in line was having as I was checking in with myself. Some were chatty with each other, some were flirting with the barista, and others were glaring at the baristas because their triple shot coffee was taking an impossibly long time to get to them. I found myself wondering what life would be like if we all got to wear signs around our necks that described our lives that particular day, the things we are dealing with, what we are worrying about, and in general how we feel. I then got to thinking that there should be a approach or do not approach feature to our signs so we could better understand if someone is available to be approached or not. As I was taking myself on this tangent while waiting for my coffee I realized that I was making assumptions about others who were also in line with me. I also came to the realization that I am obsessed with assumptions and have been for a great while.

You know the old saying “when you assume you make an ass out of u and me.” Recently I have come to terms with the fact that I make SO many assumptions about everyone around me, nearly all the time. I also know that I need to break myself of making assumptions about others particularly in relation to me. Not making assumptions and coming to terms with my addiction to making assumptions has been the most difficult aspect of further developing my emotional intelligence. I am determined to better understand why I choose to make assumptions rather than seek to understand what others really think and feel about me. So far I have found that making assumptions gives me an excuse for everything to be about me…all the time. This is where my emotional intelligence takes a nose-dive, and I am ashamed to admit how child-like and positively selfish I am most of the time to make everything about me! At the risk of telling too much of my “story” I will say that in my childhood I was not really and truly able (for one reason or another) to be a kid. I made nothing at all about me because I was too busy trying to be the perfect kid, I rarely threw tantrums or insisted on my own way. I believe I have developed this hyper-sensitivity to assumption so I could speculate about what everyone is saying about me. My speculations are NEVER positive, I always assume that others think the worst of me. Of course they are concerned with me, because everything I do is wrong and everything I say is not right. I have never talked about these assumptions or sought confirmation for these assumptions because I didn’t want confirmation that everyone thought negatively about me, just as I assumed. These assumptions have been my silent shame, the one constant in my life – no matter where I went, what I accomplished, no matter what compliments I received I was convinced that I was not worthy of praise, that others were just being nice and didn’t want to share what they really thought of me.

In my adult life assumptions are awful, horrible, not productive and are in fact are counterproductive. They get in the way of my relationships with everyone – family, partner, friends, co-workers, just everyone. It has hurt more than one relationship in my life because I can’t let go of the assumption long enough to believe what they tell me. I have great difficulty taking even the simplest compliment and even if I do I find myself hours/days later analyzing what they said. I would perpetually seek out the catch and waiting for them to see in my what I saw in me. What did I see? I saw the girl who wasn’t worthy of love, of good things, and not worthy of having a beautiful, full life. You can bet that these assumptions are hurtful and it is obvious that I have a lot of pain balled up in assumptions. When I hear negative feedback the first thing I do is assume that EVERYONE feels this way about me or EVERYONE hates me because of this little thing that occurred.

It seems like I will always be like this, but I want so badly to form my own opinions about myself without the burden of others’ assumptions of me. I want so badly to feel another way besides bad when something comes up and to not latch onto the negative. I want to know in my heart that I am a good person, that I do good work, and that I am worthy of others’ praise. Can I please build for myself a less dramatic and childish existence? I MUST figure out how to exist without the burden of negative assumption. The question is how? How can I turn around this behavior that is almost as old as I am? How can I remove the hurt and abject pain from assumption – stop my throat from tightening up and tears welling up when I assume the worst about how others see me?

My journey continues and I don’t really have answers at this point. What I have are 36 years of pain that I have built up in myself, the will to make things be different, and hope. I want to be free of negative assumption and to take the power away from assumptions, I sense a long and spectacular journey ahead of me to figure out who I really am without the assumptions of others – who I could be without constantly checking the perceived feelings of others. In acknowledging this publicly and letting myself admit that this happens in my daily I am hopeful that I can work towards taking the power away from negative assumptions. Because here is what I know when I remove assumptions:

1) people love me – I am loved
2) I am brave and accomplished
3) my husband thinks I am a beautiful and amazing person
4) my family loves me no matter what and supports me unconditionally
5) my students look up to me, respect me, and are grateful for everything I do for them
6) my co-workers enjoy working with me
7) others may not prefer my style or may not like me, but there is nothing I can do about it

Most importantly I know that when I feel good about myself NOTHING can stop me, I am powerful and confident – I am spectacular. Here’s to more days in the future where I feel good about myself and I acknowledge the amazing things I have done, the places I have been, and the fantastic life I get to live. Assumptions be damned, I am me and that is a great thing to be. Thanks for listening and hanging in there with me as I work on improving myself, this is a long road but it also is a fantastic journey.

Day 12: Making new friends

One thing that I love about working in Higher Education is the opportunity to work with so many amazing students to help inspire them to be the person they only dreamed of being. One of my favorite times of year on campus is mid-summer when the students I have worked with for years and who have graduated in May come back to visit or start jobs on campus. This time of year brings the opportunity to hang out with these students as new colleagues and friends for the first time ever. It is an easy transition and it is fun to count these recent graduates as friends.

You see in order to keep some professional distance I do not “hang out with my students.” I learned the hard way in graduate school that perception is everything when a rumor began to spread that I drink with my students. That was NEVER the case! Someone saw me speaking to a recent graduate at happy hour at a bar near campus one night, assumed the worst, and began spreading ugly rumors about me.This was clearly an unfortunate situation but one I quickly learned from.

Now as a professional nearly 4 years after graduating with my master’s degree. I tell all my students that once they graduate and I no longer supervise them we can then hang out and maybe having a beer after work every now and then. This is the way I get to know them as people and they get to know me better as a person. I still will give them advice, mentor them, and support them anyway I can but the relationship is different and I truly value that new relationship.

I try as best as I can to keep up relationships with my students and sadly it is usually done via Facebook, emails, and the occasional call. So whenever I have the chance I am dedicated to having a face-to-face friendship with my former students.

This summer I am making plans to go for a beer and conversation with two of my former students:

Shelby: I have worked with Shelby for the past 3 years. She is creative, smart, and hilarious. I have enjoyed watching her grow into the awesome woman she has become. She is a leader by example and people respect her for her creativity and her positive approach to life and to work. She is dedicated to her work (no matter what it is). She graduated in May and worked for a long two months with our Orientation program. Now that she is done working with us she is looking forward to the possibility of becoming one of my colleagues in Admissions and Orientation. I value the person who Shelby is and I love bonding over our shared love of Pinterest, up-cycling, and patio gardening when you have no backyard and therefore can’t plant the kind of garden we want. It will be so nice count her as a friend.

Charlie: Charlie and I worked together for 3 years. Last summer he left to study abroad in Chile for fall semester, he came back for spring semester, and then graduated in May. Charlie has recently accepted a position in our department as an Admissions Officer and I couldn’t be more happier with his progress and successes. Charlie is classy, considerate, funny, and has a little bit of a biting sense of humor when you get close to him. Charlie is a quite and unassuming leader but when he speaks people listed because he is genuine and authentic, always. He comes from Oregon so we bond about our shared love of Oregon. He also loves coffee, good food, beer, and conversation. It has been a pleasure to watch him grow into a fantastic gentleman who is conscientious, fun, and loves to laugh.

So once we can coordinate our schedules we will take a visit to Hops of Birch, which is the best place in Flagstaff to get an craft beers from all over the country. The atmosphere is amazing and super comfortable and fun.

Day 11: An attitude of gratitude!

Warning: Every now and then I will take the time to post about gratitude. Hopefully I won’t reinvent the wheel each time I do a gratitude post but I felt the need to warn you that these may come up quite a bit. Today I am inspired to do so by Terri Cole who I just discovered. She has a lot to say about gratitude and living in gratitude – taking an attitude of gratitude and rejecting the need to feel fear. Terri has begun to encourage me through this video to stop and take time to write a quick gratitude list. What five things am I most grateful for right now?

1) Finally, a defining sense of self – A defining sense of self is something I have recently discovered and I am defining and redefining it. One of the ways I am redefining myself is with my promise to myself to be more authentic. When I am authentic and don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, people are drawn to me, I am more likely to gain the respect of others, and people will always know what they can expect from me. If I am consistently authentic with myself and with others I will have fewer worries, fears, and feelings of discontent. If I have fewer things that have been left unsaid I will have fewer fears and I won’t worry that others will find out what they really think of me.

2) A fantastic partnership, soulmates do exist – I know from experience that soulmates do exist. I was skeptical that my soulmate was out there but he exists. He is sitting across the room from me, his name is Chris and I could not imagine my life without him, he is unendingly supportive, and he makes me laugh. Our relationship has its challenges just like everyone relationship but we know what we have and what we have is always worth fighting for. Our partnership is solid, our love for eachother grows each day, and I enjoy every single one of our experiences on this journey through life we are sharing.

3) A supportive an vibrant family (both biological and chosen) – Family is so very important to me. It is difficult for Chris and I to love so far away from our parents and our siblings. We have both lived away from home since about 18 years old so we are used to being away from family, we just live for trips and phone calls to reconnect. It has become more difficult for us because within in the past year and a half both of our siblings have had babies and are embarking on new chapters in their lives and it seems like we are missing it. But we do what we can to stay connected – Facebook, phone calls, letters, and quirky little gifts sent on a whim. I am grateful to have good relationships with my parents, my sister, and my in laws. Someday we will all be closer in proximity but for now we all enjoy the time we get with eachother. I also know that if I need them they will always be there for me and me for them in a pinch.

4) Friendships that have stood the test of time – I am always grateful to keep so many wonderful friendships that continue to evolve over time but have stood the test of time. I have fantastic friends from high school (Castro Valley High School), college (Seattle University), my former life in Washington, DC, my graduate school cohort (University of Denver), and friends from my life in Denver. Just as much as places and experiences change your life the people who enjoy those experiences with you are so very valuable. I am so grateful for everyone in my life and my friendships have been instrumental in making me the person I am today. I am so excited to see my friends this summer whether it is at home in Flagstaff and in Colorado.

5) For the present, where I am right now – We are all riding the wheel of life the best advice I can give anyone is to keep their eyes open and live in the present, live for the present. Take your time today to notice the beauty of your imperfect existence, and enjoy the ride. Like the quote “happiness is a journey, not a destination” states the journey is so worth noticing and celebrating. Life does not have to be perfect in order to be special and worth celebrating, some of the best days of my life have not turned out exactly as I had planned it to.

I love making gratitude lists, who am I kidding I love making lists no matter the subject. I thought I would put it out there that I am grateful and hopefully more positive and spectacular things will come my way. What are you most grateful for? Right now, what would make you excited, joyful, and even make you cry tears of joy and gratitude? I encourage you to think about that, everyday it will enhance your attitude of gratitude. At the very least it will help you to see the spectacular in the everyday!

Day 10: Inspiration from the past…from myself!

While cleaning out our spare room last night I found a small sheet of notebook paper that contained a message from my past. It was like a message in a bottle from my former self to my present self. I have no way of knowing when I wrote this. I only know all too well the feelings I was experiencing when I wrote it in a scribbled mess on this notebook paper. At the moment I wrote this message I was lamenting the loss of true moments that I can claim as my own.

I want moments that are my own. I crave these moments like I crave snowy mountain peaks during a long hot summer.

These moments define my life and help to convince me that my life is not only special and and might also be worthy of such moments. I am worthy of blinding moments of clarity not only beauty but ones of praise and thanksgiving.

Why the struggle? Why must I struggle for my moments?

Frederick Douglass said “If there is no struggle there is no progress.” In the struggle, progress is necessary so there will always be struggle, but the struggle doesn’t always have to be horrible.

As I think about this passage that I wrote in the past I am struck by the realization that there are no moments that I can call my own if I am unable to understand who I am. How can I claim something as being mine if I am unable to put my whole being into those moments? Until recently I was unable to live these essential moments with joy, happiness, and gratitude. I had filled my head with nonsense that I didn’t deserve to have these kinds of moments, because I was somehow fundamentally flawed.

I had convinced myself that only people who have their lives figured out, who are thin, beautiful, and accomplished are able to enjoy the daily beauty in their lives. I have learned that I can love myself and who I am for what I am and that is perfectly fine. I am more than capable of making changes in my life and celebrating everything that I have. It was no accident that I found this note to myself this week. This will be my first week without an appointment with my life coach. Apparently I am feeling that I need to provide myself with a little direction and I got it in the craziest way possible – from my past self.

It is good for me to feel like I am making progress in investing in myself, in eating cleanly, and in taking time for daily exercise. I am also paying attention to the good things in my daily life, that is the purpose of writing this blog. I am taking time for myself, for my relationship, and investing in my future. Progress is spectacular and by that logic the struggle is also spectacular, so I choose to embrace the struggle. There will always be struggle but now the struggle looks different to me, it looks like progress in action…and progreess in action is a spectacular reframing of the concept of struggle.

Day 9: Worthwhile pursuit…a healthy and more confident me!

The time has come to commit myself wholey to the pursuit of exercise and making exercise a priority in my life. Exercise is the easiest way for me to take time for myself and to invest in myself. I have recently pledged to make myself a priority and in the spirit of investing in myself I have decided to take this investment public in two main ways: the first is through this blog and the second is taking on a challenge of 31 days of sweat in July challenge.  

I am currently on day 9 of my 31 days of sweat challenge. Inspired by my life coach Betsy Fry who last year completed 365 Days of Sweat (which I cannot even imagine how challenging that would be). Betsy set up the challenge, provides all of the “July Sweaters” who have taken up the challenge with support and encouragement, and she created a Facebook group where we can share our triumphs, frustrations, and new ideas to keep the exercise fresh and fun. I am so grateful to Betsy for posing this opportunity and creating this spectacular community of “July Sweaters”. The Facebook group is incredibly gratitude and pride posted on The phrase most posted on the Facebook group wall is “if I didn’t have this challenge, I would have made up excuses not to get out there and sweat.” It is such a positive community, I am so grateful for that support as I get more and more comfortable with letting my body get the movement, sweat, and challenge it so desperately needs.

My journey these past three months has been mostly working on feeling comfortable in my body just as it is. I know that until I was able to come home to me, just as I am including the flaws, extra weight, and stretchmarks, that I would never be able to invest in myself or understand that I am worth the investment. I am worth the time it takes to get myself healthy, in better shape, and have more energy to live my spectacular life. I realized that I no longer need the “extra weight” to literally cover up who I really am…once I realized this my body started changing. I was then convinced that this work that I have been doing is really helping me.

I still have challenges. I still have bad days where I need to work really hard to pull myself out of negativity and into more positive ground. I still have days where I want to eat everything in the pantry because I don’t think I can handle emotions that come up, where I slip up and go back to old behaviors like binging. I am not perfect and I never will be, but all I can do is be me and that will have to be enough for me and for everyone around me. The best part is, I know it is. I know I am enough of everything and this basic thought and feeling means that I am coming home to me. I love me!

For now it is time. It is time for me do making changes and sweating every day in July sounds like the best thing for me. For now I will go to the gym, I will do exercise DVDs like Zumba and Cardio Core, I will go for hikes, I will swim, and I will succeed!

 

Days 4-8: Let’s have a great adventure

Let’s have a great adventure…let’s take a roadtrip.

Lately I have heard from friends, family, and some of my former students about the great adventures they are planning this summer. I’m not going to lie, it has made me quite envious. While they are getting out there and having roadtrip adventures to relocate to new and exciting places, they are planning vacations, or just planning day trips to exciting locations. I have been spending my time lately taking my adventures with myself – inside of myself and have decided to make brave new choices for my life. However, while I have been doing the difficult work Chris and I have been planning our annual roadtip to Colorado to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary and to visit family, friends, and see great music at Red Rocks. I cannot wait to embark on that two week adventure.

Road trips are my favorite brand of adventure. Some of the best thinking I do is on the road, in fact some of my best “ah ha moments” I have experienced have come to me while driving. Most of my favorite moments with my favorite co-pilot Chris have been behind the wheel of my black 2002 Toyota RAV-4 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Way back when I first started driving I would go for long drives in the Bay Area in California. I would get my hands on a little rare free time and some gas money and carefully extend my range and set out for the unknown with the wind in my hair and the music playing loud. It felt like freedom, like I could go anywhere as long as I had the gas money and the time. And I did, it was spectacular.

My dear friend Anna will soon be embarking on the great existential adventure of a lone roadtrip from Colorado to Los Angeles and back again. On her way back to Colorado after adventures in California she will come visit Chris and I in Flagstaff. I want to dedicate this post to Anna and her lone roadtrip adventure. Anna, you get it girl! I’m so proud of you that you for deciding to take this roadtrip and I’m so excited for you to visit Flagstaff. Ever with good intentions and sometimes little followthrough (working on it)I had planned to send Anna some lone roadtrip advice, some must have road trip music, and snacks/candy – which is a must when traveling with Anna. Alas I didn’t allow for enough time to send everything, so I decided to include my advice in this post. Here it is Anna, enjoy!

What must be included in a fantastic adventure in the form of a lone roadtrip and what can a lone roadtripper bring with them to enhance their roadtrip adventure extra special?

1) Music – The music you play on the road should be inspirational, fun, and be able to keep you awake. I prefer music you can sing along with. Music that makes me think is a fantastic addition to the roadtrip playlists and familiar music that brings back memories of good times cannot be bad to bring as well.

2) The Scenery and Wildlife– Take time to take the pretty drive (if there is such an option) and while you do need to focus on the road be sure to take in the scenery. Check out the clouds in the sky, pay attention to the rolling hills, mountains, flat land, and desert. Be on the lookout for wildlife. Some of the most amazing things I have seen in my life have been on the side of the road while I sped by. We’ve seen countless deer, moose, jackrabbits, one roadrunner, huge snakes in the middle of the road, pronghorn, and a few armadillo. Sometimes historical markers on the side of the highway provide a quick rest and a history lesson, don’t be afraid to stop it will not disrupt your schedule.

3) An Open Mind – A roadtrip is freedom with a schedule and a destination. I always tell people who decide to take lone roadtrips to use the time wisely, to use that time to confront things you wouldn’t normally have time or energy to confront. There is a rhythm to roadtrips and a kind of zen to a roadtrip that can be meditative and so helpful when trying to clear your mind. Also, be up for anything – make a loose schedule and take time to get a frosty beverage or an ice cream if the opportunity presents itself.

4) Stay Safe and Make Smart Choices – There is always the need for safety and making smart choices. Take time to carefully plan your route, don’t drive if you are excessively tired, and watch your speed. Nothing puts a damper on an adventure than a speeding ticket or getting lost. Use your gut and listen to your gut instincts in situations. I recommend bringing a sleep mask just in case you need to pull over at a rest stop to take a little nap, just remember to lock your doors and hold onto your keys with the panic button and keep a cell phone nearby. It also couldn’t hurt to set an alarm when you take a little nap so you won’t sleep away your trip – this has happened to Chris more than he’d like to admit.

5) Pack Healthy Snacks and Treats Too – Anna loves her candy, I love munching on apples and Pirate Booty, and Chris loves gummy bears/gummy worms. No matter what you love to snack on make sure you have plenty of it.

6) Must Haves for Lone Roadtrippers – Besides snacks, music, and the basic emergency equipment what sets the lone roadtrip apart from regular roadtrip adventures is the need to do things and pack things that will help you take care of yourself. Here is what I recommend to keep your adventurous self happy, healthy, and emotionally fulfilled. I recommend the following: bring a journal and a good book for writing and reading during breaks from driving. Pack plenty of water, and have ice on hand especially when taking adventures in the summer. Pack ibuprofen, moisturizing eye drops, and gum/mints. I also recommend packing those little packets of tissues, it is inevitable that on a lone roadtrip I will cry whether it is about something that is finally coming up for me, the beautiful scenery, or for no reason at all – it is always good to have tissues.

Life is a great adventure, as we get older there are fewer and fewer opportunities for adventure. So get out there, see the country, and take in all of the beauty that is out there to experience. Take an alone adventure and experience the beauty of a true existential journey. If you see Anna out on the road honk at her and tell her I can’t wait to see her next week.

Day 9: This must be the place…

Since Chris had his surgery 2 weeks ago I have been driving his truck because he can’t use his left hand to steer while shifting. Driving a manual transmission is fun. It has been a while for me and I must admit it is fun buzzing around Flagstaff in the truck. But the most fun is the cd that he left for me. The cd he left is the String Cheese Incident concert CD from their July 23, 2010 show at Red Rocks Ampitheater in Morrison, CO which prominently features their version of Naive Melody by the Talking Heads. I have listened to the whole cd about 20 times and I am not sick of it, not even close. This morning I found the video of the Naive Melody track from the same concert on YouTube and I wanted to share it with all of you. I have been enjoying this cd and this song in particular for weeks now, so why am I choosing to highlight the song, the concert, and the location today?

* This song incorporates my new “turn around statement” what I can say to myself to turn a negative into a not-so-negative, and then hopefully into a positive. The lyric/turn around statement is “feet on the ground, head in the sky, it’s ok I know nothing’s wrong…nothing!” It puts it all into perspective for me.

* Chris and I were there! Want to try to locate us? I think we were sitting about 12-15 rows up from the stage and to the right (good luck finding us). I think I can speak for both Chris and I when I say some of our best times were spent together at Red Rocks rocking out to String Cheese Incident.

* The video shows how much the crowd is into it! What you can’t hear in the video is the crowd singing at the TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. Everyone who is there knows the words, that’s what I love about when a band covers another artist’s song, it creates community when everyone knows the lyrics and sings along. I sing along, alone, in the truck but it is a loud and raucous time as I buzz around town with this song blasting.

* The video also shows the legendary Red Rocks Ampitheater from the musician’s vantage point and it is incredible. Enough said!

* This song has always made me happy. I grew up with the Talking Heads version of Naive Melody, it was introduced to me by my very cool babysitter back in the early 80s and it has always had a special place in my heart.

Sometimes I forget how much music is a part of my life. A good deal of my identity is tied to music. I often remember my childhood through the music of the time that my parents loved. I remember significant milestones in my life by what music was playing or what my favorite song was that summer. I remember falling in love with Chris, music was always there in the mix cds he used to make me and what we listened to on roadtrips. Throughout our relationship we have discovered new music and re-discovered forgotten classics together. I can’t thank him enough for bringing the music back into my life, just when I think I have heard and seen everything, there is always something new and spectacular!

Music reminds me of who I am, who I want to be, and what I want my life to be in the coming years. It reminds me that anything is possible and it allows me to enjoy genuine talent in the most authentic way possible…through admiration and abject appreciation. Most importantly, it reminds me that at the end of July Chris and I will, once again, be attending String Cheese Incident concerts at Red Rocks. For us this is like going home and I have started a mental countdown until we are there in the sun, surrounded by thousands of excited fans, and enjoying one of the things that truly sustains us…the music!

Day 8: Rain

Today I was feeling bored doing desk work all day long. By 2:30pm I decided that I had had enough of my desk and my office and decided to venture out. Once I was outside I walked to do some errands around campus and the clouds started to gather, the wind picked up and tossed the trees around, and then it got really dark. I stopped into our recruiting office and the sky opened up and sent down hail, driving rain, more rain, again more hail, and then more rain. It was like the clouds dropped buckets upon buckets on us thirsty Arizonans and I loved every minute of it.

People in Arizona think I am crazy because I love the rain so, so, so very much! I am originally from Northern California and went to college in Seattle. Rain makes me feel at home. My transplanted little soul is constantly thirsty in Flagstaff, Arizona land of little rain, dry weather, and high altitude.

Today marks the official beginning of the monsoon season in Northern Arizona. That’s right we have finally reached the point when Flagstaff receives tons of rain. Each year this is the time I look forward to most, it is monsoon season and I am so very happy. The rain makes me want to dance around in it and let it wash me clean. It reminds me of this quote “Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.” – Bob Marley

Rain is cleansing, it cools everything down, it renews everything, and sounds soothing on the roof and windows during a rain storm. It is like a good cry, afterwards I feel cleaned out and washed from the inside out and at the same time it is calming. In Arizona rain is rare but when it shows up there is lots of it not to mention in Arizona when it rains the air smells heavenly like a mix between wet asphalt, soaked trees, and I am told there are shrubs that grow wild all over the state that makes the air smell heavenly.

As I get ready for bed I can only hope that the rain continues tonight so I can sleep through a rainstorm, just another thing that makes today spectacular.

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Day 7: Flying brings out the worst in most!

After writing posts from Day 4-6 last night I ran into a spectacularly screwed up situation with my flights home to Flagstaff from San Diego.

Flying, I am convinced brings out the most horrible attitudes, bitchy travelers, and travelers who overestimate their importance by displaying entitlement behavior that does not look or sound good. This is what I experienced yesterday. Here is what happened:

I got on the plane yesterday at 7:00pm in San Diego, all was well until we started to push back from the gate and they noticed something not working and we had to go back to the gate, then we sat for an hour at the gate before having to deplane and change planes. We changed planes after being told that every one of our connecting flights will likely be impossible to make and to plan to stay in Phoenix overnight and have our flights rescheduled. We get on the new plane at around 10pm and fly to Phoenix and start to land in a severe sandstorm. We got about 150 feet from landing and had to pull up and do a missed landing because we could have crashed due to high crosswinds. Then we didn’t have enough fuel to circle above the storm and had to head to Tucson to refuel before heading back to Phoenix. We sat at the gate in Tucson for an hour while the storm blew over and then we finally left Tucson at around 12:15am and got to the gate at Phoenix at around 12:55am. Then I waited in line for an hour and a half to get my hotel room and when I did I was told I could not access my luggage. By the time I got checked in and into my room in Phoenix it was 2:30am and I was far from sleep, dirty, annoyed, and just wishing I could go home.

This morning I woke up, met my shuttle, checked in and flew out of Phoenix for my 30 minute flight to Flagstaff. I finally got home at around 9:45am and I proceeded to sleep until about 3pm.

You may be asking yourself, what is the purpose of my telling my most recent travel horror story? I am using it to illustrate how it has become much easier for me to tolerate difficult situations especially stressful situations. I was able to be grateful that I came out of it safe and able to finally go home. I will admit it was a challenge to stay in my own business instead of getting riled up on my own behalf and on behalf of others so that I would just spiral into negativity and stressed out mode.

I did what I needed to do…slept when I could and read when I could. I also took in the increasingly more negative updates and resign myself that worrying and complaining will not get me home, will not change anything, and certainly will not decrease my stress level. It was definitely a horrible night and I wish I did not have to experience everything that I experienced but I was able to come out of it okay, learned from it, and moved on.

I was able to salvage the situation, to sleep, and then rally to work out in the evening and have date night with Chris. I was able to turn the situation around to be a positive and most especially I did not let it ruin my memories of a fantastic weekend.

This proves it, everyday can be spectacular EVEN when enduring cranky travelers, really bad travel luck, and getting home nearly 10 hours later than expected. Tonight I am just glad to be home safe with our kitties and with Chris.