Assumptions

I must confess, I have taken some time off from the blog mostly because I was on vacation but I have also been taking a good deal of time to formulate my thoughts around this blog’s topic. The topic of making assumptions is at the heart of the many issues that I am working through lately. I ten to ruminate on the important topics for a long time. I decide what to say, how I will say it, and I challenge myself to be the most authentic and forthcoming about my struggles. I can fall too much into the trap of being too much in my head and I fear this has occurred while figuring out how to approach this topic. So, I decided the morning just to get it out and see what happens. For better of for worse, here it is: Assumptions (#3 on the 4 Agreements).

This morning I was in line at my local Starbucks. As I was waiting I found myself wondering what kind of day everyone in line was having as I was checking in with myself. Some were chatty with each other, some were flirting with the barista, and others were glaring at the baristas because their triple shot coffee was taking an impossibly long time to get to them. I found myself wondering what life would be like if we all got to wear signs around our necks that described our lives that particular day, the things we are dealing with, what we are worrying about, and in general how we feel. I then got to thinking that there should be a approach or do not approach feature to our signs so we could better understand if someone is available to be approached or not. As I was taking myself on this tangent while waiting for my coffee I realized that I was making assumptions about others who were also in line with me. I also came to the realization that I am obsessed with assumptions and have been for a great while.

You know the old saying “when you assume you make an ass out of u and me.” Recently I have come to terms with the fact that I make SO many assumptions about everyone around me, nearly all the time. I also know that I need to break myself of making assumptions about others particularly in relation to me. Not making assumptions and coming to terms with my addiction to making assumptions has been the most difficult aspect of further developing my emotional intelligence. I am determined to better understand why I choose to make assumptions rather than seek to understand what others really think and feel about me. So far I have found that making assumptions gives me an excuse for everything to be about me…all the time. This is where my emotional intelligence takes a nose-dive, and I am ashamed to admit how child-like and positively selfish I am most of the time to make everything about me! At the risk of telling too much of my “story” I will say that in my childhood I was not really and truly able (for one reason or another) to be a kid. I made nothing at all about me because I was too busy trying to be the perfect kid, I rarely threw tantrums or insisted on my own way. I believe I have developed this hyper-sensitivity to assumption so I could speculate about what everyone is saying about me. My speculations are NEVER positive, I always assume that others think the worst of me. Of course they are concerned with me, because everything I do is wrong and everything I say is not right. I have never talked about these assumptions or sought confirmation for these assumptions because I didn’t want confirmation that everyone thought negatively about me, just as I assumed. These assumptions have been my silent shame, the one constant in my life – no matter where I went, what I accomplished, no matter what compliments I received I was convinced that I was not worthy of praise, that others were just being nice and didn’t want to share what they really thought of me.

In my adult life assumptions are awful, horrible, not productive and are in fact are counterproductive. They get in the way of my relationships with everyone – family, partner, friends, co-workers, just everyone. It has hurt more than one relationship in my life because I can’t let go of the assumption long enough to believe what they tell me. I have great difficulty taking even the simplest compliment and even if I do I find myself hours/days later analyzing what they said. I would perpetually seek out the catch and waiting for them to see in my what I saw in me. What did I see? I saw the girl who wasn’t worthy of love, of good things, and not worthy of having a beautiful, full life. You can bet that these assumptions are hurtful and it is obvious that I have a lot of pain balled up in assumptions. When I hear negative feedback the first thing I do is assume that EVERYONE feels this way about me or EVERYONE hates me because of this little thing that occurred.

It seems like I will always be like this, but I want so badly to form my own opinions about myself without the burden of others’ assumptions of me. I want so badly to feel another way besides bad when something comes up and to not latch onto the negative. I want to know in my heart that I am a good person, that I do good work, and that I am worthy of others’ praise. Can I please build for myself a less dramatic and childish existence? I MUST figure out how to exist without the burden of negative assumption. The question is how? How can I turn around this behavior that is almost as old as I am? How can I remove the hurt and abject pain from assumption – stop my throat from tightening up and tears welling up when I assume the worst about how others see me?

My journey continues and I don’t really have answers at this point. What I have are 36 years of pain that I have built up in myself, the will to make things be different, and hope. I want to be free of negative assumption and to take the power away from assumptions, I sense a long and spectacular journey ahead of me to figure out who I really am without the assumptions of others – who I could be without constantly checking the perceived feelings of others. In acknowledging this publicly and letting myself admit that this happens in my daily I am hopeful that I can work towards taking the power away from negative assumptions. Because here is what I know when I remove assumptions:

1) people love me – I am loved
2) I am brave and accomplished
3) my husband thinks I am a beautiful and amazing person
4) my family loves me no matter what and supports me unconditionally
5) my students look up to me, respect me, and are grateful for everything I do for them
6) my co-workers enjoy working with me
7) others may not prefer my style or may not like me, but there is nothing I can do about it

Most importantly I know that when I feel good about myself NOTHING can stop me, I am powerful and confident – I am spectacular. Here’s to more days in the future where I feel good about myself and I acknowledge the amazing things I have done, the places I have been, and the fantastic life I get to live. Assumptions be damned, I am me and that is a great thing to be. Thanks for listening and hanging in there with me as I work on improving myself, this is a long road but it also is a fantastic journey.