Voice Temporarily Misplaced

I am back, my apologies for disappearing for a bit there. For lack of a better explanation, I temporarily misplaced my voice. So we are clear I didn’t physically lose my voice, I temporarily silenced my voice in order to regroup, rebound, and otherwise get through a difficult time. Last week I experienced a challenge in the form of critical feedback that I was not expecting and it kind of knocked me off of my horse, until now I haven’t been able to get back on and continue my ride. Today’s post is an attempt to share with you a little about the situation, how I worked through the challenges associated with criticisms and judgements, where I am now because of the journey to find my voice once again, and to make peace with the criticisms and judgements so I can move forward.

In order to adequately explain what happened I have a little back story. For most of my life I have been in search of my voice, my true identity, and experiences that were mine that I can share with the world thereby sharing myself with the world. In many cases through my journey to find myself and most importantly my voice I was frequently derailed by people in my life who sought to “teach me how the world is” and to “snap me back into reality”. They would share negative feedback with me and tell me I was doing everything wrong. I guess  I started believing those voices telling me that I was nothing special and I would never amount to anything. I bought what they were selling completely. I got the idea that they could detect a defect in me that I was unable to see. I believed them because I knew they must know more that I do about me. I wholly gave over myself to others and resigned myself to the fact that they were the ones who would shape me now. How did this manifest in my life? I would rarely share an opinion with others unless I knew they shared that opinion. I rarely argued because I knew in my heart that I was always wrong. This opened me up to falling prey to people who sought to manipulate me and be negative presences in my life.

Now that I am attempting to rediscover myself and establishing my real identity, I have discovered that I am someone who has been emotionally battered and bruised. But I have not been defeated. I am still establishing who I am. I am still relatively cautious about how I use my voice and for what purpose, but I am more and more comfortable with using my voice.

 In my journey working with my life coach, I am infinitely more comfortable using my voice. I am determined to not continue to make assumptions about what others think about me and not believe those assumptions to be the absolute truth. Now I find myself in an ongoing period of discovery and I am developing the kind of emotional intelligence that I want to have. It is still very difficult for me, and the challenge I received last week illustrate this quite nicely.

Last week I received negative and critical feedback in an email from a colleague. The feedback was not only negative but also seemed to be judgmental, and worst of all it was a complete surprise. I do not like surprises especially when it involves feedback. I believe if you have information that I could have used months earlier to improve my former colleague’s experience and my performance, why would you not express it in the moment?

This critical feedback was the first significant challenge to my voice and to my sense of self with my work that I have received since I have transitioned from working with my coach to working with myself on myself. After the shock and surprise wore off I was determined to use the strategies I learned while working with my coach to help me work through it. I closed the email, I attempted to distract myself with other projects, I took a walk, and I called some of my people to get their takes on the situation. But nothing would adequately stop the criticisms from swirling around in my head and all the while the criticisms and judgements shouted at me from my memory. 

In the past I would have completely shut down to protect myself. I believed that if one person thinks this way about me EVERYONE must see it too. I have done this in the past, I would emotionally disappear from my life. A little tip, it is really difficult to be authentic when you are attempting to be emotionally void. In order to try to carry on like nothing was wrong I would act my way through situations, I would attempt to fake authenticity, which is the worst oxymoron I have ever heard.

In the current situation I decided to temporarily misplace my voice to retreat into myself (get out of my head) and search myself for how I wanted to proceed, and how I would respond. Most of all, I needed to use this period of misplaced voice to figure out how move forward and reclaim my voice once I got right with everything. And that is what I did. I also spent a good amount of time wondering: Would I be able to rebound? Could I come out of this stronger? Would my voice return to a similar strength or stronger than before?

Today I can say that I have been able to come through this challenging time. I am a little bruised but I am healing nicely and my voice is coming back. I will continue to evaluate my response to challenges and find ways to strengthen my voice – for now I will write, for now I will put my thoughts out there and be as authentic as I can be, for now I will vow not to be afraid of who I am and definitely will not be afraid of what others think about me. I will get to a place where I can sit with my voice and let it say what it needs to say. I will take my voice out for a spin every now and again. I will continue to reclaim my voice as a spectacular banner for my identity and wave it proudly! After all “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

Days 4-8: Let’s have a great adventure

Let’s have a great adventure…let’s take a roadtrip.

Lately I have heard from friends, family, and some of my former students about the great adventures they are planning this summer. I’m not going to lie, it has made me quite envious. While they are getting out there and having roadtrip adventures to relocate to new and exciting places, they are planning vacations, or just planning day trips to exciting locations. I have been spending my time lately taking my adventures with myself – inside of myself and have decided to make brave new choices for my life. However, while I have been doing the difficult work Chris and I have been planning our annual roadtip to Colorado to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary and to visit family, friends, and see great music at Red Rocks. I cannot wait to embark on that two week adventure.

Road trips are my favorite brand of adventure. Some of the best thinking I do is on the road, in fact some of my best “ah ha moments” I have experienced have come to me while driving. Most of my favorite moments with my favorite co-pilot Chris have been behind the wheel of my black 2002 Toyota RAV-4 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Way back when I first started driving I would go for long drives in the Bay Area in California. I would get my hands on a little rare free time and some gas money and carefully extend my range and set out for the unknown with the wind in my hair and the music playing loud. It felt like freedom, like I could go anywhere as long as I had the gas money and the time. And I did, it was spectacular.

My dear friend Anna will soon be embarking on the great existential adventure of a lone roadtrip from Colorado to Los Angeles and back again. On her way back to Colorado after adventures in California she will come visit Chris and I in Flagstaff. I want to dedicate this post to Anna and her lone roadtrip adventure. Anna, you get it girl! I’m so proud of you that you for deciding to take this roadtrip and I’m so excited for you to visit Flagstaff. Ever with good intentions and sometimes little followthrough (working on it)I had planned to send Anna some lone roadtrip advice, some must have road trip music, and snacks/candy – which is a must when traveling with Anna. Alas I didn’t allow for enough time to send everything, so I decided to include my advice in this post. Here it is Anna, enjoy!

What must be included in a fantastic adventure in the form of a lone roadtrip and what can a lone roadtripper bring with them to enhance their roadtrip adventure extra special?

1) Music – The music you play on the road should be inspirational, fun, and be able to keep you awake. I prefer music you can sing along with. Music that makes me think is a fantastic addition to the roadtrip playlists and familiar music that brings back memories of good times cannot be bad to bring as well.

2) The Scenery and Wildlife– Take time to take the pretty drive (if there is such an option) and while you do need to focus on the road be sure to take in the scenery. Check out the clouds in the sky, pay attention to the rolling hills, mountains, flat land, and desert. Be on the lookout for wildlife. Some of the most amazing things I have seen in my life have been on the side of the road while I sped by. We’ve seen countless deer, moose, jackrabbits, one roadrunner, huge snakes in the middle of the road, pronghorn, and a few armadillo. Sometimes historical markers on the side of the highway provide a quick rest and a history lesson, don’t be afraid to stop it will not disrupt your schedule.

3) An Open Mind – A roadtrip is freedom with a schedule and a destination. I always tell people who decide to take lone roadtrips to use the time wisely, to use that time to confront things you wouldn’t normally have time or energy to confront. There is a rhythm to roadtrips and a kind of zen to a roadtrip that can be meditative and so helpful when trying to clear your mind. Also, be up for anything – make a loose schedule and take time to get a frosty beverage or an ice cream if the opportunity presents itself.

4) Stay Safe and Make Smart Choices – There is always the need for safety and making smart choices. Take time to carefully plan your route, don’t drive if you are excessively tired, and watch your speed. Nothing puts a damper on an adventure than a speeding ticket or getting lost. Use your gut and listen to your gut instincts in situations. I recommend bringing a sleep mask just in case you need to pull over at a rest stop to take a little nap, just remember to lock your doors and hold onto your keys with the panic button and keep a cell phone nearby. It also couldn’t hurt to set an alarm when you take a little nap so you won’t sleep away your trip – this has happened to Chris more than he’d like to admit.

5) Pack Healthy Snacks and Treats Too – Anna loves her candy, I love munching on apples and Pirate Booty, and Chris loves gummy bears/gummy worms. No matter what you love to snack on make sure you have plenty of it.

6) Must Haves for Lone Roadtrippers – Besides snacks, music, and the basic emergency equipment what sets the lone roadtrip apart from regular roadtrip adventures is the need to do things and pack things that will help you take care of yourself. Here is what I recommend to keep your adventurous self happy, healthy, and emotionally fulfilled. I recommend the following: bring a journal and a good book for writing and reading during breaks from driving. Pack plenty of water, and have ice on hand especially when taking adventures in the summer. Pack ibuprofen, moisturizing eye drops, and gum/mints. I also recommend packing those little packets of tissues, it is inevitable that on a lone roadtrip I will cry whether it is about something that is finally coming up for me, the beautiful scenery, or for no reason at all – it is always good to have tissues.

Life is a great adventure, as we get older there are fewer and fewer opportunities for adventure. So get out there, see the country, and take in all of the beauty that is out there to experience. Take an alone adventure and experience the beauty of a true existential journey. If you see Anna out on the road honk at her and tell her I can’t wait to see her next week.