Regrets

Regrets…we all have them but what happens to a person who has so many regrets that they don’t know what to do with them? What happens when I feel like I haven’t truly been living my life, only surviving daily struggles and occasional wins? What happens when I feel as if life has passed me by and I have not moved forward in every area of my life? What happens when I carry all of this around and don’t share any of it with anyone?

This post is, neigh my entire blog is meant to give me a voice and give me permission to share what I never thought I could share, the fear that I haven’t really been living my life and I have let so many amazing moments pass me by because I was afraid to take risks and to be me, of being seen for what I really am.

Statement: I am afraid that I have not truly been living my life, I have been letting it pass me by.
It is true, I kind of checked out of my life and just survived my life rather than truly enjoying each moment of this incredible life I have been given. But there are many things that I did, that I challenged myself to do, and that I discovered even while being checked out. I met and kept fantastic friends, I fell in love, I lost love, I lost loved-ones, I found a spiritual connection that I could believe in, I moved many times, I learned many lessons, I discovered how to be a person for others, I discovered that I am a healer, I travelled, I read fantastic books, I listened to amazing and inspiring music, and above all without knowing it I discovered who I am. I may not have consciously made the decision to find me or to become a better person – but it happened over time while I wasn’t paying attention. And today I am realizing that like the most life-changing experiences I have experienced the decision happened without me noticing. Someone seems to be looking out for me because while I have made some interesting decisions and probably some dangerous choices at times, I have been able to come through the outcomes of those choices. Everything that has happened to me in my life and all of the wonderful, beautiful, and downright life-changing moments have made me who I am today. I embrace and accept how I was living my life in the past and today I pledge to you all that I will no longer half-ass my life. I will live my life by seeing everything that I can, by taking chances, and by loving myself and my spectacular life daily.

Statement: I am afraid that I have missed my chance to be more, do more, and to be what I truly want to be. Like my friends have done.
This is really about comparison, right? Yep it is about the trap we all fall into every now and then of comparing ourselves and our lives with others’ lives. I turned 36 this June, and it has been difficult coming to terms with aging. But for me it is more about where I think I “should” be now that I have reached the age of 36. In reality I have achieved a great deal, I managed to find a fantastic man who loves me, supports me, and who is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I attended graduate school where I earned an MA, I landed an amazingly spectacular job right of out grad school that has fulfilled me daily for nearly 4 years now. But outside of these accomplishments my life seemed to fall flat when in comparison with my gorgeous, accomplished, and wicked smart friends. These friends are having babies, creating families, succeeding in their careers, and overall seem to be leading fulfilled and amazing lives.

What I do know
I believe comparison, this is the enemy of happiness and feeling fulfilled. Comparison is bad because we only ever see, hear, or understand what others choose to share with us about their lives and unless they are comfortable sharing the bad stuff with the good, we only hear the good. Until I realized this, I had always thought that my life was relatively normal but had way too many bumps in the road to be good. It seemed that others did not share the same struggles as I did. So, I never talked about my struggles, insecurities, my difficulties, or the perceived blemishes in my life with my friends for fear that they would learn about me and not want to be my friend (rubbish and awfully sad thing to think).

Statement: I have missed my chance to have children, even though I really do want to start a family and to become a mother.
Yes, as previously mentioned I am 36 years old. At 36 my mom had one child (me) and was pregnant with my sister. In the past I used this fact to brag that in my family we can have babies later, because my mom did. Now that I have reached that age, I am apprehensive about whether or not I will be able to have babies. My head fills with those negative thoughts in the form of irritating questions: Am I too old? Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I turn into a ball of worry and apprehension if I am unable to get pregnant right away?

What I do know:
I have spent my life acquiring experiences that will enable me to be a fantastically whole person and in the long run this will make me a better mother and a better person. I also know that it is not too late for me and that the worry makes little to no sense. I met Chris in 2002, we married in 2006 and have been married 7 years. I know that I wasn’t ready to be a mother when we first met or even when we first married. I am ready now! And this will have to be enough for me. I will do what I have to do, suck it up, get to it, and get to starting the family Chris and I have always wanted.

So to sum up, I do have a few regrets but when I really think about it they are not regrets, just negative feelings that I have associated with getting older. So no worries here, everything is going well. Writing about regrets has helped me to process what these regrets actually mean to me. I now better understand that these regrets are fueled by the meaning that I assign to them. Therefore as of today – no regrets because life is spectacular!

Day 11: An attitude of gratitude!

Warning: Every now and then I will take the time to post about gratitude. Hopefully I won’t reinvent the wheel each time I do a gratitude post but I felt the need to warn you that these may come up quite a bit. Today I am inspired to do so by Terri Cole who I just discovered. She has a lot to say about gratitude and living in gratitude – taking an attitude of gratitude and rejecting the need to feel fear. Terri has begun to encourage me through this video to stop and take time to write a quick gratitude list. What five things am I most grateful for right now?

1) Finally, a defining sense of self – A defining sense of self is something I have recently discovered and I am defining and redefining it. One of the ways I am redefining myself is with my promise to myself to be more authentic. When I am authentic and don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, people are drawn to me, I am more likely to gain the respect of others, and people will always know what they can expect from me. If I am consistently authentic with myself and with others I will have fewer worries, fears, and feelings of discontent. If I have fewer things that have been left unsaid I will have fewer fears and I won’t worry that others will find out what they really think of me.

2) A fantastic partnership, soulmates do exist – I know from experience that soulmates do exist. I was skeptical that my soulmate was out there but he exists. He is sitting across the room from me, his name is Chris and I could not imagine my life without him, he is unendingly supportive, and he makes me laugh. Our relationship has its challenges just like everyone relationship but we know what we have and what we have is always worth fighting for. Our partnership is solid, our love for eachother grows each day, and I enjoy every single one of our experiences on this journey through life we are sharing.

3) A supportive an vibrant family (both biological and chosen) – Family is so very important to me. It is difficult for Chris and I to love so far away from our parents and our siblings. We have both lived away from home since about 18 years old so we are used to being away from family, we just live for trips and phone calls to reconnect. It has become more difficult for us because within in the past year and a half both of our siblings have had babies and are embarking on new chapters in their lives and it seems like we are missing it. But we do what we can to stay connected – Facebook, phone calls, letters, and quirky little gifts sent on a whim. I am grateful to have good relationships with my parents, my sister, and my in laws. Someday we will all be closer in proximity but for now we all enjoy the time we get with eachother. I also know that if I need them they will always be there for me and me for them in a pinch.

4) Friendships that have stood the test of time – I am always grateful to keep so many wonderful friendships that continue to evolve over time but have stood the test of time. I have fantastic friends from high school (Castro Valley High School), college (Seattle University), my former life in Washington, DC, my graduate school cohort (University of Denver), and friends from my life in Denver. Just as much as places and experiences change your life the people who enjoy those experiences with you are so very valuable. I am so grateful for everyone in my life and my friendships have been instrumental in making me the person I am today. I am so excited to see my friends this summer whether it is at home in Flagstaff and in Colorado.

5) For the present, where I am right now – We are all riding the wheel of life the best advice I can give anyone is to keep their eyes open and live in the present, live for the present. Take your time today to notice the beauty of your imperfect existence, and enjoy the ride. Like the quote “happiness is a journey, not a destination” states the journey is so worth noticing and celebrating. Life does not have to be perfect in order to be special and worth celebrating, some of the best days of my life have not turned out exactly as I had planned it to.

I love making gratitude lists, who am I kidding I love making lists no matter the subject. I thought I would put it out there that I am grateful and hopefully more positive and spectacular things will come my way. What are you most grateful for? Right now, what would make you excited, joyful, and even make you cry tears of joy and gratitude? I encourage you to think about that, everyday it will enhance your attitude of gratitude. At the very least it will help you to see the spectacular in the everyday!

Day 9: Worthwhile pursuit…a healthy and more confident me!

The time has come to commit myself wholey to the pursuit of exercise and making exercise a priority in my life. Exercise is the easiest way for me to take time for myself and to invest in myself. I have recently pledged to make myself a priority and in the spirit of investing in myself I have decided to take this investment public in two main ways: the first is through this blog and the second is taking on a challenge of 31 days of sweat in July challenge.  

I am currently on day 9 of my 31 days of sweat challenge. Inspired by my life coach Betsy Fry who last year completed 365 Days of Sweat (which I cannot even imagine how challenging that would be). Betsy set up the challenge, provides all of the “July Sweaters” who have taken up the challenge with support and encouragement, and she created a Facebook group where we can share our triumphs, frustrations, and new ideas to keep the exercise fresh and fun. I am so grateful to Betsy for posing this opportunity and creating this spectacular community of “July Sweaters”. The Facebook group is incredibly gratitude and pride posted on The phrase most posted on the Facebook group wall is “if I didn’t have this challenge, I would have made up excuses not to get out there and sweat.” It is such a positive community, I am so grateful for that support as I get more and more comfortable with letting my body get the movement, sweat, and challenge it so desperately needs.

My journey these past three months has been mostly working on feeling comfortable in my body just as it is. I know that until I was able to come home to me, just as I am including the flaws, extra weight, and stretchmarks, that I would never be able to invest in myself or understand that I am worth the investment. I am worth the time it takes to get myself healthy, in better shape, and have more energy to live my spectacular life. I realized that I no longer need the “extra weight” to literally cover up who I really am…once I realized this my body started changing. I was then convinced that this work that I have been doing is really helping me.

I still have challenges. I still have bad days where I need to work really hard to pull myself out of negativity and into more positive ground. I still have days where I want to eat everything in the pantry because I don’t think I can handle emotions that come up, where I slip up and go back to old behaviors like binging. I am not perfect and I never will be, but all I can do is be me and that will have to be enough for me and for everyone around me. The best part is, I know it is. I know I am enough of everything and this basic thought and feeling means that I am coming home to me. I love me!

For now it is time. It is time for me do making changes and sweating every day in July sounds like the best thing for me. For now I will go to the gym, I will do exercise DVDs like Zumba and Cardio Core, I will go for hikes, I will swim, and I will succeed!