Regrets

Regrets…we all have them but what happens to a person who has so many regrets that they don’t know what to do with them? What happens when I feel like I haven’t truly been living my life, only surviving daily struggles and occasional wins? What happens when I feel as if life has passed me by and I have not moved forward in every area of my life? What happens when I carry all of this around and don’t share any of it with anyone?

This post is, neigh my entire blog is meant to give me a voice and give me permission to share what I never thought I could share, the fear that I haven’t really been living my life and I have let so many amazing moments pass me by because I was afraid to take risks and to be me, of being seen for what I really am.

Statement: I am afraid that I have not truly been living my life, I have been letting it pass me by.
It is true, I kind of checked out of my life and just survived my life rather than truly enjoying each moment of this incredible life I have been given. But there are many things that I did, that I challenged myself to do, and that I discovered even while being checked out. I met and kept fantastic friends, I fell in love, I lost love, I lost loved-ones, I found a spiritual connection that I could believe in, I moved many times, I learned many lessons, I discovered how to be a person for others, I discovered that I am a healer, I travelled, I read fantastic books, I listened to amazing and inspiring music, and above all without knowing it I discovered who I am. I may not have consciously made the decision to find me or to become a better person – but it happened over time while I wasn’t paying attention. And today I am realizing that like the most life-changing experiences I have experienced the decision happened without me noticing. Someone seems to be looking out for me because while I have made some interesting decisions and probably some dangerous choices at times, I have been able to come through the outcomes of those choices. Everything that has happened to me in my life and all of the wonderful, beautiful, and downright life-changing moments have made me who I am today. I embrace and accept how I was living my life in the past and today I pledge to you all that I will no longer half-ass my life. I will live my life by seeing everything that I can, by taking chances, and by loving myself and my spectacular life daily.

Statement: I am afraid that I have missed my chance to be more, do more, and to be what I truly want to be. Like my friends have done.
This is really about comparison, right? Yep it is about the trap we all fall into every now and then of comparing ourselves and our lives with others’ lives. I turned 36 this June, and it has been difficult coming to terms with aging. But for me it is more about where I think I “should” be now that I have reached the age of 36. In reality I have achieved a great deal, I managed to find a fantastic man who loves me, supports me, and who is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I attended graduate school where I earned an MA, I landed an amazingly spectacular job right of out grad school that has fulfilled me daily for nearly 4 years now. But outside of these accomplishments my life seemed to fall flat when in comparison with my gorgeous, accomplished, and wicked smart friends. These friends are having babies, creating families, succeeding in their careers, and overall seem to be leading fulfilled and amazing lives.

What I do know
I believe comparison, this is the enemy of happiness and feeling fulfilled. Comparison is bad because we only ever see, hear, or understand what others choose to share with us about their lives and unless they are comfortable sharing the bad stuff with the good, we only hear the good. Until I realized this, I had always thought that my life was relatively normal but had way too many bumps in the road to be good. It seemed that others did not share the same struggles as I did. So, I never talked about my struggles, insecurities, my difficulties, or the perceived blemishes in my life with my friends for fear that they would learn about me and not want to be my friend (rubbish and awfully sad thing to think).

Statement: I have missed my chance to have children, even though I really do want to start a family and to become a mother.
Yes, as previously mentioned I am 36 years old. At 36 my mom had one child (me) and was pregnant with my sister. In the past I used this fact to brag that in my family we can have babies later, because my mom did. Now that I have reached that age, I am apprehensive about whether or not I will be able to have babies. My head fills with those negative thoughts in the form of irritating questions: Am I too old? Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I turn into a ball of worry and apprehension if I am unable to get pregnant right away?

What I do know:
I have spent my life acquiring experiences that will enable me to be a fantastically whole person and in the long run this will make me a better mother and a better person. I also know that it is not too late for me and that the worry makes little to no sense. I met Chris in 2002, we married in 2006 and have been married 7 years. I know that I wasn’t ready to be a mother when we first met or even when we first married. I am ready now! And this will have to be enough for me. I will do what I have to do, suck it up, get to it, and get to starting the family Chris and I have always wanted.

So to sum up, I do have a few regrets but when I really think about it they are not regrets, just negative feelings that I have associated with getting older. So no worries here, everything is going well. Writing about regrets has helped me to process what these regrets actually mean to me. I now better understand that these regrets are fueled by the meaning that I assign to them. Therefore as of today – no regrets because life is spectacular!