Food Is NOT The Enemy!

It is true I have been slacking on posting, but there is a good reason. usually when I start slacking  it means that I am in deep thought and concentration about an issue that I am experiencing. This time is no exception. Lately I have been concentrating on my overall eating habits and my relationship with food. I am on track with creating a healthier lifestyle for myself: increasing the amount and frequency of exercise, committing to eating cleaner and healthier, communicating and feeling my feelings, and coming to terms with my relationship with food. Despite all of the work I have done I still experience disordered eating: I am an emotional eater and I participate in binge eating.

Emotional Eating

First, a definition. According to the Mayo Clinic website, Emotional Eating is described as “a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, fear, boredom, sadness and loneliness.” In the past emotional eating is and has been deceptively comforting for me. If I felt frustrated, angry, powerless, ugly, fat, worthless, or disgusting I would eat.

The one emotion that always got me going was knowing there so something I want to say but feeling like I am unable to communicate what I need to communicate. This emotion still causes me to literally shove down those feelings with food. Unfortunately emotional eating if often triggered when I know I need to discuss something with my husband. I am currently working on being a better wife by communicating my emotions and frustrations, with Chris because it turns out I have been not so great in this area of our lives together. The more I think about it the more ashamed I become and that shame contributed more and more to the emotional eating.

I have turned emotional eating around, for the most part. One of the things that has helped me in my journey to get free of emotional eating is a book, Breaking Free From Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth. This book gave me permission to evaluate my issues with emotional eating and really got to the heart of the issue. Emotional eating isn’t just overeating it is about getting to the bottom of why I participate in this behavior. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in finding out about how our behaviors, emotions, and fears impact our relationship with food. We need to straighten out our feelings regarding food before we can move forward and find joy in food again. Just this morning I ordered another book, The Joy Diet by Martha Beck. I have heard great things about this book and I love Martha Beck she just has so many amazing insights into our true selves.

Binging

Disclaimer: This is really difficult for me to talk about, mostly because I have acknowledged the binging issues to very few people.

A definition. Accordingly to the Mayo Clinic website Binge Eating Disorder is defined as: “a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food. Almost everyone overeats on occasion, such as having seconds or thirds of a holiday meal. But for some people, overeating crosses the line to binge-eating disorder and it becomes a regular occurrence, usually done in secret. When you have binge-eating disorder, you may be deeply embarrassed about gorging and vow to stop. But you feel such a compulsion that you can’t resist the urges and continue binge eating.”

In order for you to really understand how binging manifests in my life, let me give you a window into the binging behavior that I so desperately need to change.

What is happening when I feel the compulsion to binge?

• I am usually tired, bordering on falling asleep, and I am usually on the couch
• I am trying to justify going to bed to my husband. If this has happened he has mentioned something about my falling asleep…usually he is upset that I am not staying awake to hang out with him
• So I feel compelled to try and stay awake. This is when I head to the kitchen to: grab seconds of dinner, a bag of chips, nuts, or cereal. This is where it starts. and it just keeps coming. I hardly realize what I am doing and before I know it, I am impossibly full, deeply ashamed, and more tired than when I started this whole spiral.

It amazes me that is this behavior is so very specific. My binging manifests itself in such a crazy pattern, it took a long time to see into what actually happens when I binge, how I am feeling when I binge, and to get my courage up enough to disclose this behavior.

One thing I have come to understand more and more is I care so very deeply about how Chris sees me and feels about me that I have chosen to ignore my own feelings and needs in order to defer to his. I want to be very clear, this is not something he asked me to do, it was something I assumed I needed to do to make up for my short comings and the fact that we had to move for my job. I so desperately wanted him to be happy that I did almost everything to make sure he was happy where we were. I forgot to consider myself when making decisions and I totally disappeared into this need to make him happy at any cost. This is how I gained all the weight and this is how I stopped investing in myself and this is how I began to disappear.

Now we have come to feeling bad about being tired. What is this all about? Well, the way my journey to better myself, get healthier, and to start investing in myself again started was with a very emotional conversation with my husband one Saturday. I wanted to take a nap instead of helping him clean out our storage unit. After I told him that I was tired, he said the four words that strike hurt in my heart to this day “you are ALWAYS tired”. This started an argument followed by a huge realization that I desperately had to make some changes. But now, even though I have made fantastic changes in my life apparently I am still unable to admit to Chris that I am tired. I am reluctant to say those words because I assume that he believes that being tired is only for someone who is out of shape, fat, and disgusting. As if in shape, happy, and fulfilled people NEVER get tired and are always energetic, fun, and never need naps or significant amounts of sleep. This is like thinking that if you ate the best most delicious meal of your life that you will never be hungry again. I get tired just like everyone else. People who are fulfilled, in good shape, and eat cleanly and responsibly get tired too because we all need to relax and recharge, it is part of being human.

This is what I need to say to Chris. These are some reasons why I am tired when I am tired. Please note none of these reasons have anything to do with being out of shape, disgusting, or unhappy:

• I get up early, usually around 5am, to work out at least 2 or 3 days a week.
• On days I don’t work out I get up early (at around 6am) to get ready for work because I hate to be rushed.
• As evidenced by the former points I am a morning person and I don’t really like staying up late.
• I work a full day.
• When I am at work, I work hard.
• When I come home I like to relax and yes true confessions I put on pajamas within 10 minutes of arriving home from work.
• I love naps, for me they are like meditation. Being able to nap means that I am able to give myself permission to relax, this is HUGE for me.
• When I take a nap I get to spend time with me, I get to invest in my future mood. I get to regroup.

Being tired is NOT bad because I am NOT always tired. For me sleep is a way to recharge and EVERYONE needs to recharge and re-energize.

A very important disclaimer: No matter how it may sound I do not blame my husband for any of my disordered eating behaviors. His wanting me to stay up with him or his expressing feelings about my falling asleep early are not bad but what I do with those feelings is. I make the assumptions about how he feels about me being tired. For all I know he doesn’t feel that way about me ALWAYS being tired anymore. But that is the underlying issue, I haven’t really checked in with him about that and about how I have improved my life – but I still need sleep. He is not the reason I binge, he is the second most important reason for me to make these changes in my life…the first important reason is me. I just need to commit to talking with him about it. I need to commit to having emotionally mature conversations with him, especially around my feelings, the assumptions I make, and about my relationship with food.

As of today I can no longer ignore the emotional eating and the binging. I have chosen this venue to communicate these struggles with the world. Whether or not anyone is reading or there to hear my “voice” it is out there in the world, now I cannot continue to ignore them. Speaking them out loud, using my voice, and writing about these issues enables me to truly confront them head on. Now that I know I want to share with you all about my struggles.

Now I can recommit to NOT participating in disordered eating. Now I can love myself enough to avoid emotional eating, so I can develop a lasting healthy relationship with food. Now that I have put the information out there I can do something to change my life. Here I go…thanks everyone for your patience with me and for supporting me no matter what I am struggling with.

A shout-out to Chris: I am sorry to make so much of this about a story about what we are and have been going through. I am also sorry that I have been reluctant to share these things with you. I will be better about this. This post is about me and how I react to situations. It is about me and the assumptions I make about how you see me and feel about me. I am so lucky to have you and often feel as though I do not deserve you. But one thing I know is I love you so deeply so genuinely. Thank you for hanging in there with me, you are the best support in my life. Thanks for your patience with me and with my journey. I love you.

Regrets

Regrets…we all have them but what happens to a person who has so many regrets that they don’t know what to do with them? What happens when I feel like I haven’t truly been living my life, only surviving daily struggles and occasional wins? What happens when I feel as if life has passed me by and I have not moved forward in every area of my life? What happens when I carry all of this around and don’t share any of it with anyone?

This post is, neigh my entire blog is meant to give me a voice and give me permission to share what I never thought I could share, the fear that I haven’t really been living my life and I have let so many amazing moments pass me by because I was afraid to take risks and to be me, of being seen for what I really am.

Statement: I am afraid that I have not truly been living my life, I have been letting it pass me by.
It is true, I kind of checked out of my life and just survived my life rather than truly enjoying each moment of this incredible life I have been given. But there are many things that I did, that I challenged myself to do, and that I discovered even while being checked out. I met and kept fantastic friends, I fell in love, I lost love, I lost loved-ones, I found a spiritual connection that I could believe in, I moved many times, I learned many lessons, I discovered how to be a person for others, I discovered that I am a healer, I travelled, I read fantastic books, I listened to amazing and inspiring music, and above all without knowing it I discovered who I am. I may not have consciously made the decision to find me or to become a better person – but it happened over time while I wasn’t paying attention. And today I am realizing that like the most life-changing experiences I have experienced the decision happened without me noticing. Someone seems to be looking out for me because while I have made some interesting decisions and probably some dangerous choices at times, I have been able to come through the outcomes of those choices. Everything that has happened to me in my life and all of the wonderful, beautiful, and downright life-changing moments have made me who I am today. I embrace and accept how I was living my life in the past and today I pledge to you all that I will no longer half-ass my life. I will live my life by seeing everything that I can, by taking chances, and by loving myself and my spectacular life daily.

Statement: I am afraid that I have missed my chance to be more, do more, and to be what I truly want to be. Like my friends have done.
This is really about comparison, right? Yep it is about the trap we all fall into every now and then of comparing ourselves and our lives with others’ lives. I turned 36 this June, and it has been difficult coming to terms with aging. But for me it is more about where I think I “should” be now that I have reached the age of 36. In reality I have achieved a great deal, I managed to find a fantastic man who loves me, supports me, and who is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I attended graduate school where I earned an MA, I landed an amazingly spectacular job right of out grad school that has fulfilled me daily for nearly 4 years now. But outside of these accomplishments my life seemed to fall flat when in comparison with my gorgeous, accomplished, and wicked smart friends. These friends are having babies, creating families, succeeding in their careers, and overall seem to be leading fulfilled and amazing lives.

What I do know
I believe comparison, this is the enemy of happiness and feeling fulfilled. Comparison is bad because we only ever see, hear, or understand what others choose to share with us about their lives and unless they are comfortable sharing the bad stuff with the good, we only hear the good. Until I realized this, I had always thought that my life was relatively normal but had way too many bumps in the road to be good. It seemed that others did not share the same struggles as I did. So, I never talked about my struggles, insecurities, my difficulties, or the perceived blemishes in my life with my friends for fear that they would learn about me and not want to be my friend (rubbish and awfully sad thing to think).

Statement: I have missed my chance to have children, even though I really do want to start a family and to become a mother.
Yes, as previously mentioned I am 36 years old. At 36 my mom had one child (me) and was pregnant with my sister. In the past I used this fact to brag that in my family we can have babies later, because my mom did. Now that I have reached that age, I am apprehensive about whether or not I will be able to have babies. My head fills with those negative thoughts in the form of irritating questions: Am I too old? Will I be able to get pregnant? Will I turn into a ball of worry and apprehension if I am unable to get pregnant right away?

What I do know:
I have spent my life acquiring experiences that will enable me to be a fantastically whole person and in the long run this will make me a better mother and a better person. I also know that it is not too late for me and that the worry makes little to no sense. I met Chris in 2002, we married in 2006 and have been married 7 years. I know that I wasn’t ready to be a mother when we first met or even when we first married. I am ready now! And this will have to be enough for me. I will do what I have to do, suck it up, get to it, and get to starting the family Chris and I have always wanted.

So to sum up, I do have a few regrets but when I really think about it they are not regrets, just negative feelings that I have associated with getting older. So no worries here, everything is going well. Writing about regrets has helped me to process what these regrets actually mean to me. I now better understand that these regrets are fueled by the meaning that I assign to them. Therefore as of today – no regrets because life is spectacular!

Assumptions

I must confess, I have taken some time off from the blog mostly because I was on vacation but I have also been taking a good deal of time to formulate my thoughts around this blog’s topic. The topic of making assumptions is at the heart of the many issues that I am working through lately. I ten to ruminate on the important topics for a long time. I decide what to say, how I will say it, and I challenge myself to be the most authentic and forthcoming about my struggles. I can fall too much into the trap of being too much in my head and I fear this has occurred while figuring out how to approach this topic. So, I decided the morning just to get it out and see what happens. For better of for worse, here it is: Assumptions (#3 on the 4 Agreements).

This morning I was in line at my local Starbucks. As I was waiting I found myself wondering what kind of day everyone in line was having as I was checking in with myself. Some were chatty with each other, some were flirting with the barista, and others were glaring at the baristas because their triple shot coffee was taking an impossibly long time to get to them. I found myself wondering what life would be like if we all got to wear signs around our necks that described our lives that particular day, the things we are dealing with, what we are worrying about, and in general how we feel. I then got to thinking that there should be a approach or do not approach feature to our signs so we could better understand if someone is available to be approached or not. As I was taking myself on this tangent while waiting for my coffee I realized that I was making assumptions about others who were also in line with me. I also came to the realization that I am obsessed with assumptions and have been for a great while.

You know the old saying “when you assume you make an ass out of u and me.” Recently I have come to terms with the fact that I make SO many assumptions about everyone around me, nearly all the time. I also know that I need to break myself of making assumptions about others particularly in relation to me. Not making assumptions and coming to terms with my addiction to making assumptions has been the most difficult aspect of further developing my emotional intelligence. I am determined to better understand why I choose to make assumptions rather than seek to understand what others really think and feel about me. So far I have found that making assumptions gives me an excuse for everything to be about me…all the time. This is where my emotional intelligence takes a nose-dive, and I am ashamed to admit how child-like and positively selfish I am most of the time to make everything about me! At the risk of telling too much of my “story” I will say that in my childhood I was not really and truly able (for one reason or another) to be a kid. I made nothing at all about me because I was too busy trying to be the perfect kid, I rarely threw tantrums or insisted on my own way. I believe I have developed this hyper-sensitivity to assumption so I could speculate about what everyone is saying about me. My speculations are NEVER positive, I always assume that others think the worst of me. Of course they are concerned with me, because everything I do is wrong and everything I say is not right. I have never talked about these assumptions or sought confirmation for these assumptions because I didn’t want confirmation that everyone thought negatively about me, just as I assumed. These assumptions have been my silent shame, the one constant in my life – no matter where I went, what I accomplished, no matter what compliments I received I was convinced that I was not worthy of praise, that others were just being nice and didn’t want to share what they really thought of me.

In my adult life assumptions are awful, horrible, not productive and are in fact are counterproductive. They get in the way of my relationships with everyone – family, partner, friends, co-workers, just everyone. It has hurt more than one relationship in my life because I can’t let go of the assumption long enough to believe what they tell me. I have great difficulty taking even the simplest compliment and even if I do I find myself hours/days later analyzing what they said. I would perpetually seek out the catch and waiting for them to see in my what I saw in me. What did I see? I saw the girl who wasn’t worthy of love, of good things, and not worthy of having a beautiful, full life. You can bet that these assumptions are hurtful and it is obvious that I have a lot of pain balled up in assumptions. When I hear negative feedback the first thing I do is assume that EVERYONE feels this way about me or EVERYONE hates me because of this little thing that occurred.

It seems like I will always be like this, but I want so badly to form my own opinions about myself without the burden of others’ assumptions of me. I want so badly to feel another way besides bad when something comes up and to not latch onto the negative. I want to know in my heart that I am a good person, that I do good work, and that I am worthy of others’ praise. Can I please build for myself a less dramatic and childish existence? I MUST figure out how to exist without the burden of negative assumption. The question is how? How can I turn around this behavior that is almost as old as I am? How can I remove the hurt and abject pain from assumption – stop my throat from tightening up and tears welling up when I assume the worst about how others see me?

My journey continues and I don’t really have answers at this point. What I have are 36 years of pain that I have built up in myself, the will to make things be different, and hope. I want to be free of negative assumption and to take the power away from assumptions, I sense a long and spectacular journey ahead of me to figure out who I really am without the assumptions of others – who I could be without constantly checking the perceived feelings of others. In acknowledging this publicly and letting myself admit that this happens in my daily I am hopeful that I can work towards taking the power away from negative assumptions. Because here is what I know when I remove assumptions:

1) people love me – I am loved
2) I am brave and accomplished
3) my husband thinks I am a beautiful and amazing person
4) my family loves me no matter what and supports me unconditionally
5) my students look up to me, respect me, and are grateful for everything I do for them
6) my co-workers enjoy working with me
7) others may not prefer my style or may not like me, but there is nothing I can do about it

Most importantly I know that when I feel good about myself NOTHING can stop me, I am powerful and confident – I am spectacular. Here’s to more days in the future where I feel good about myself and I acknowledge the amazing things I have done, the places I have been, and the fantastic life I get to live. Assumptions be damned, I am me and that is a great thing to be. Thanks for listening and hanging in there with me as I work on improving myself, this is a long road but it also is a fantastic journey.

What are you waiting for? Let’s take on a 30 day challenge!

I love Ted Talks, they are a brilliant forum bringing quality people and their passions to live and web audiences. This Ted Talk did not disappoint, it is entitled Try Something New for 30 Days it is from Matt Cutts who implores us to try something new.

I am coming to the end of my first 31 day challenge (July has 31 days). I have been exercising daily for 24 days now and I can tell you that Matt is right. My life has more daily purpose, I am encouraged to prioritize my life and bring new balance to my daily schedule. I am much more in shape, I have more energy, I am sleeping better, and I have more confidence. A challenge like this makes 30 days so much more memorable, it instills confidence, and it has instilled in me a more adventurous spirit.

What is something you have always wanted to try? What would you do if you could try something new for 30 days?

Some advice for deciding to undertake a 30 day challenge:

1) Tell your people about it. Let them know what you are planning to do and talk about it with them…or maybe encourage them to take on a new challenge too. Whether they join you in your challenge or not it is great to have someone to encourage you when you are having a difficult day and want to just leave the challenge off for a day.

2) Take small steps, don’t take too much on, and be gentle with yourself if you have a bad day. Remember you are the master of your own challenge but don’t make excuses not to work at it.

3) Record the challenge. Take note of your progress and celebrate your wins. Journal, blog, or post on Facebook.

4) Choose something you will really enjoy! Have fun. Even if you are taking on a big challenge, know that if you are having fun you will more likely do more and get more out of it. Small changes stick and anyone can try something new for 30 days.

Now it is my time to start thinking about what I will do next. How will I make my life more beautiful, balanced, and the most spectacular it can be? 

I hope you choose something fantastic and really let your 30 days take on a real purpose. Life is so much more than going through the motions, surprise yourself and do something spectacular in August!

Voice Temporarily Misplaced

I am back, my apologies for disappearing for a bit there. For lack of a better explanation, I temporarily misplaced my voice. So we are clear I didn’t physically lose my voice, I temporarily silenced my voice in order to regroup, rebound, and otherwise get through a difficult time. Last week I experienced a challenge in the form of critical feedback that I was not expecting and it kind of knocked me off of my horse, until now I haven’t been able to get back on and continue my ride. Today’s post is an attempt to share with you a little about the situation, how I worked through the challenges associated with criticisms and judgements, where I am now because of the journey to find my voice once again, and to make peace with the criticisms and judgements so I can move forward.

In order to adequately explain what happened I have a little back story. For most of my life I have been in search of my voice, my true identity, and experiences that were mine that I can share with the world thereby sharing myself with the world. In many cases through my journey to find myself and most importantly my voice I was frequently derailed by people in my life who sought to “teach me how the world is” and to “snap me back into reality”. They would share negative feedback with me and tell me I was doing everything wrong. I guess  I started believing those voices telling me that I was nothing special and I would never amount to anything. I bought what they were selling completely. I got the idea that they could detect a defect in me that I was unable to see. I believed them because I knew they must know more that I do about me. I wholly gave over myself to others and resigned myself to the fact that they were the ones who would shape me now. How did this manifest in my life? I would rarely share an opinion with others unless I knew they shared that opinion. I rarely argued because I knew in my heart that I was always wrong. This opened me up to falling prey to people who sought to manipulate me and be negative presences in my life.

Now that I am attempting to rediscover myself and establishing my real identity, I have discovered that I am someone who has been emotionally battered and bruised. But I have not been defeated. I am still establishing who I am. I am still relatively cautious about how I use my voice and for what purpose, but I am more and more comfortable with using my voice.

 In my journey working with my life coach, I am infinitely more comfortable using my voice. I am determined to not continue to make assumptions about what others think about me and not believe those assumptions to be the absolute truth. Now I find myself in an ongoing period of discovery and I am developing the kind of emotional intelligence that I want to have. It is still very difficult for me, and the challenge I received last week illustrate this quite nicely.

Last week I received negative and critical feedback in an email from a colleague. The feedback was not only negative but also seemed to be judgmental, and worst of all it was a complete surprise. I do not like surprises especially when it involves feedback. I believe if you have information that I could have used months earlier to improve my former colleague’s experience and my performance, why would you not express it in the moment?

This critical feedback was the first significant challenge to my voice and to my sense of self with my work that I have received since I have transitioned from working with my coach to working with myself on myself. After the shock and surprise wore off I was determined to use the strategies I learned while working with my coach to help me work through it. I closed the email, I attempted to distract myself with other projects, I took a walk, and I called some of my people to get their takes on the situation. But nothing would adequately stop the criticisms from swirling around in my head and all the while the criticisms and judgements shouted at me from my memory. 

In the past I would have completely shut down to protect myself. I believed that if one person thinks this way about me EVERYONE must see it too. I have done this in the past, I would emotionally disappear from my life. A little tip, it is really difficult to be authentic when you are attempting to be emotionally void. In order to try to carry on like nothing was wrong I would act my way through situations, I would attempt to fake authenticity, which is the worst oxymoron I have ever heard.

In the current situation I decided to temporarily misplace my voice to retreat into myself (get out of my head) and search myself for how I wanted to proceed, and how I would respond. Most of all, I needed to use this period of misplaced voice to figure out how move forward and reclaim my voice once I got right with everything. And that is what I did. I also spent a good amount of time wondering: Would I be able to rebound? Could I come out of this stronger? Would my voice return to a similar strength or stronger than before?

Today I can say that I have been able to come through this challenging time. I am a little bruised but I am healing nicely and my voice is coming back. I will continue to evaluate my response to challenges and find ways to strengthen my voice – for now I will write, for now I will put my thoughts out there and be as authentic as I can be, for now I will vow not to be afraid of who I am and definitely will not be afraid of what others think about me. I will get to a place where I can sit with my voice and let it say what it needs to say. I will take my voice out for a spin every now and again. I will continue to reclaim my voice as a spectacular banner for my identity and wave it proudly! After all “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” – George Bernard Shaw

 

Day 12: Making new friends

One thing that I love about working in Higher Education is the opportunity to work with so many amazing students to help inspire them to be the person they only dreamed of being. One of my favorite times of year on campus is mid-summer when the students I have worked with for years and who have graduated in May come back to visit or start jobs on campus. This time of year brings the opportunity to hang out with these students as new colleagues and friends for the first time ever. It is an easy transition and it is fun to count these recent graduates as friends.

You see in order to keep some professional distance I do not “hang out with my students.” I learned the hard way in graduate school that perception is everything when a rumor began to spread that I drink with my students. That was NEVER the case! Someone saw me speaking to a recent graduate at happy hour at a bar near campus one night, assumed the worst, and began spreading ugly rumors about me.This was clearly an unfortunate situation but one I quickly learned from.

Now as a professional nearly 4 years after graduating with my master’s degree. I tell all my students that once they graduate and I no longer supervise them we can then hang out and maybe having a beer after work every now and then. This is the way I get to know them as people and they get to know me better as a person. I still will give them advice, mentor them, and support them anyway I can but the relationship is different and I truly value that new relationship.

I try as best as I can to keep up relationships with my students and sadly it is usually done via Facebook, emails, and the occasional call. So whenever I have the chance I am dedicated to having a face-to-face friendship with my former students.

This summer I am making plans to go for a beer and conversation with two of my former students:

Shelby: I have worked with Shelby for the past 3 years. She is creative, smart, and hilarious. I have enjoyed watching her grow into the awesome woman she has become. She is a leader by example and people respect her for her creativity and her positive approach to life and to work. She is dedicated to her work (no matter what it is). She graduated in May and worked for a long two months with our Orientation program. Now that she is done working with us she is looking forward to the possibility of becoming one of my colleagues in Admissions and Orientation. I value the person who Shelby is and I love bonding over our shared love of Pinterest, up-cycling, and patio gardening when you have no backyard and therefore can’t plant the kind of garden we want. It will be so nice count her as a friend.

Charlie: Charlie and I worked together for 3 years. Last summer he left to study abroad in Chile for fall semester, he came back for spring semester, and then graduated in May. Charlie has recently accepted a position in our department as an Admissions Officer and I couldn’t be more happier with his progress and successes. Charlie is classy, considerate, funny, and has a little bit of a biting sense of humor when you get close to him. Charlie is a quite and unassuming leader but when he speaks people listed because he is genuine and authentic, always. He comes from Oregon so we bond about our shared love of Oregon. He also loves coffee, good food, beer, and conversation. It has been a pleasure to watch him grow into a fantastic gentleman who is conscientious, fun, and loves to laugh.

So once we can coordinate our schedules we will take a visit to Hops of Birch, which is the best place in Flagstaff to get an craft beers from all over the country. The atmosphere is amazing and super comfortable and fun.

Day 11: An attitude of gratitude!

Warning: Every now and then I will take the time to post about gratitude. Hopefully I won’t reinvent the wheel each time I do a gratitude post but I felt the need to warn you that these may come up quite a bit. Today I am inspired to do so by Terri Cole who I just discovered. She has a lot to say about gratitude and living in gratitude – taking an attitude of gratitude and rejecting the need to feel fear. Terri has begun to encourage me through this video to stop and take time to write a quick gratitude list. What five things am I most grateful for right now?

1) Finally, a defining sense of self – A defining sense of self is something I have recently discovered and I am defining and redefining it. One of the ways I am redefining myself is with my promise to myself to be more authentic. When I am authentic and don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, people are drawn to me, I am more likely to gain the respect of others, and people will always know what they can expect from me. If I am consistently authentic with myself and with others I will have fewer worries, fears, and feelings of discontent. If I have fewer things that have been left unsaid I will have fewer fears and I won’t worry that others will find out what they really think of me.

2) A fantastic partnership, soulmates do exist – I know from experience that soulmates do exist. I was skeptical that my soulmate was out there but he exists. He is sitting across the room from me, his name is Chris and I could not imagine my life without him, he is unendingly supportive, and he makes me laugh. Our relationship has its challenges just like everyone relationship but we know what we have and what we have is always worth fighting for. Our partnership is solid, our love for eachother grows each day, and I enjoy every single one of our experiences on this journey through life we are sharing.

3) A supportive an vibrant family (both biological and chosen) – Family is so very important to me. It is difficult for Chris and I to love so far away from our parents and our siblings. We have both lived away from home since about 18 years old so we are used to being away from family, we just live for trips and phone calls to reconnect. It has become more difficult for us because within in the past year and a half both of our siblings have had babies and are embarking on new chapters in their lives and it seems like we are missing it. But we do what we can to stay connected – Facebook, phone calls, letters, and quirky little gifts sent on a whim. I am grateful to have good relationships with my parents, my sister, and my in laws. Someday we will all be closer in proximity but for now we all enjoy the time we get with eachother. I also know that if I need them they will always be there for me and me for them in a pinch.

4) Friendships that have stood the test of time – I am always grateful to keep so many wonderful friendships that continue to evolve over time but have stood the test of time. I have fantastic friends from high school (Castro Valley High School), college (Seattle University), my former life in Washington, DC, my graduate school cohort (University of Denver), and friends from my life in Denver. Just as much as places and experiences change your life the people who enjoy those experiences with you are so very valuable. I am so grateful for everyone in my life and my friendships have been instrumental in making me the person I am today. I am so excited to see my friends this summer whether it is at home in Flagstaff and in Colorado.

5) For the present, where I am right now – We are all riding the wheel of life the best advice I can give anyone is to keep their eyes open and live in the present, live for the present. Take your time today to notice the beauty of your imperfect existence, and enjoy the ride. Like the quote “happiness is a journey, not a destination” states the journey is so worth noticing and celebrating. Life does not have to be perfect in order to be special and worth celebrating, some of the best days of my life have not turned out exactly as I had planned it to.

I love making gratitude lists, who am I kidding I love making lists no matter the subject. I thought I would put it out there that I am grateful and hopefully more positive and spectacular things will come my way. What are you most grateful for? Right now, what would make you excited, joyful, and even make you cry tears of joy and gratitude? I encourage you to think about that, everyday it will enhance your attitude of gratitude. At the very least it will help you to see the spectacular in the everyday!

Day 10: Inspiration from the past…from myself!

While cleaning out our spare room last night I found a small sheet of notebook paper that contained a message from my past. It was like a message in a bottle from my former self to my present self. I have no way of knowing when I wrote this. I only know all too well the feelings I was experiencing when I wrote it in a scribbled mess on this notebook paper. At the moment I wrote this message I was lamenting the loss of true moments that I can claim as my own.

I want moments that are my own. I crave these moments like I crave snowy mountain peaks during a long hot summer.

These moments define my life and help to convince me that my life is not only special and and might also be worthy of such moments. I am worthy of blinding moments of clarity not only beauty but ones of praise and thanksgiving.

Why the struggle? Why must I struggle for my moments?

Frederick Douglass said “If there is no struggle there is no progress.” In the struggle, progress is necessary so there will always be struggle, but the struggle doesn’t always have to be horrible.

As I think about this passage that I wrote in the past I am struck by the realization that there are no moments that I can call my own if I am unable to understand who I am. How can I claim something as being mine if I am unable to put my whole being into those moments? Until recently I was unable to live these essential moments with joy, happiness, and gratitude. I had filled my head with nonsense that I didn’t deserve to have these kinds of moments, because I was somehow fundamentally flawed.

I had convinced myself that only people who have their lives figured out, who are thin, beautiful, and accomplished are able to enjoy the daily beauty in their lives. I have learned that I can love myself and who I am for what I am and that is perfectly fine. I am more than capable of making changes in my life and celebrating everything that I have. It was no accident that I found this note to myself this week. This will be my first week without an appointment with my life coach. Apparently I am feeling that I need to provide myself with a little direction and I got it in the craziest way possible – from my past self.

It is good for me to feel like I am making progress in investing in myself, in eating cleanly, and in taking time for daily exercise. I am also paying attention to the good things in my daily life, that is the purpose of writing this blog. I am taking time for myself, for my relationship, and investing in my future. Progress is spectacular and by that logic the struggle is also spectacular, so I choose to embrace the struggle. There will always be struggle but now the struggle looks different to me, it looks like progress in action…and progreess in action is a spectacular reframing of the concept of struggle.

Day 9: Worthwhile pursuit…a healthy and more confident me!

The time has come to commit myself wholey to the pursuit of exercise and making exercise a priority in my life. Exercise is the easiest way for me to take time for myself and to invest in myself. I have recently pledged to make myself a priority and in the spirit of investing in myself I have decided to take this investment public in two main ways: the first is through this blog and the second is taking on a challenge of 31 days of sweat in July challenge.  

I am currently on day 9 of my 31 days of sweat challenge. Inspired by my life coach Betsy Fry who last year completed 365 Days of Sweat (which I cannot even imagine how challenging that would be). Betsy set up the challenge, provides all of the “July Sweaters” who have taken up the challenge with support and encouragement, and she created a Facebook group where we can share our triumphs, frustrations, and new ideas to keep the exercise fresh and fun. I am so grateful to Betsy for posing this opportunity and creating this spectacular community of “July Sweaters”. The Facebook group is incredibly gratitude and pride posted on The phrase most posted on the Facebook group wall is “if I didn’t have this challenge, I would have made up excuses not to get out there and sweat.” It is such a positive community, I am so grateful for that support as I get more and more comfortable with letting my body get the movement, sweat, and challenge it so desperately needs.

My journey these past three months has been mostly working on feeling comfortable in my body just as it is. I know that until I was able to come home to me, just as I am including the flaws, extra weight, and stretchmarks, that I would never be able to invest in myself or understand that I am worth the investment. I am worth the time it takes to get myself healthy, in better shape, and have more energy to live my spectacular life. I realized that I no longer need the “extra weight” to literally cover up who I really am…once I realized this my body started changing. I was then convinced that this work that I have been doing is really helping me.

I still have challenges. I still have bad days where I need to work really hard to pull myself out of negativity and into more positive ground. I still have days where I want to eat everything in the pantry because I don’t think I can handle emotions that come up, where I slip up and go back to old behaviors like binging. I am not perfect and I never will be, but all I can do is be me and that will have to be enough for me and for everyone around me. The best part is, I know it is. I know I am enough of everything and this basic thought and feeling means that I am coming home to me. I love me!

For now it is time. It is time for me do making changes and sweating every day in July sounds like the best thing for me. For now I will go to the gym, I will do exercise DVDs like Zumba and Cardio Core, I will go for hikes, I will swim, and I will succeed!

 

Days 4-8: Let’s have a great adventure

Let’s have a great adventure…let’s take a roadtrip.

Lately I have heard from friends, family, and some of my former students about the great adventures they are planning this summer. I’m not going to lie, it has made me quite envious. While they are getting out there and having roadtrip adventures to relocate to new and exciting places, they are planning vacations, or just planning day trips to exciting locations. I have been spending my time lately taking my adventures with myself – inside of myself and have decided to make brave new choices for my life. However, while I have been doing the difficult work Chris and I have been planning our annual roadtip to Colorado to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary and to visit family, friends, and see great music at Red Rocks. I cannot wait to embark on that two week adventure.

Road trips are my favorite brand of adventure. Some of the best thinking I do is on the road, in fact some of my best “ah ha moments” I have experienced have come to me while driving. Most of my favorite moments with my favorite co-pilot Chris have been behind the wheel of my black 2002 Toyota RAV-4 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Way back when I first started driving I would go for long drives in the Bay Area in California. I would get my hands on a little rare free time and some gas money and carefully extend my range and set out for the unknown with the wind in my hair and the music playing loud. It felt like freedom, like I could go anywhere as long as I had the gas money and the time. And I did, it was spectacular.

My dear friend Anna will soon be embarking on the great existential adventure of a lone roadtrip from Colorado to Los Angeles and back again. On her way back to Colorado after adventures in California she will come visit Chris and I in Flagstaff. I want to dedicate this post to Anna and her lone roadtrip adventure. Anna, you get it girl! I’m so proud of you that you for deciding to take this roadtrip and I’m so excited for you to visit Flagstaff. Ever with good intentions and sometimes little followthrough (working on it)I had planned to send Anna some lone roadtrip advice, some must have road trip music, and snacks/candy – which is a must when traveling with Anna. Alas I didn’t allow for enough time to send everything, so I decided to include my advice in this post. Here it is Anna, enjoy!

What must be included in a fantastic adventure in the form of a lone roadtrip and what can a lone roadtripper bring with them to enhance their roadtrip adventure extra special?

1) Music – The music you play on the road should be inspirational, fun, and be able to keep you awake. I prefer music you can sing along with. Music that makes me think is a fantastic addition to the roadtrip playlists and familiar music that brings back memories of good times cannot be bad to bring as well.

2) The Scenery and Wildlife– Take time to take the pretty drive (if there is such an option) and while you do need to focus on the road be sure to take in the scenery. Check out the clouds in the sky, pay attention to the rolling hills, mountains, flat land, and desert. Be on the lookout for wildlife. Some of the most amazing things I have seen in my life have been on the side of the road while I sped by. We’ve seen countless deer, moose, jackrabbits, one roadrunner, huge snakes in the middle of the road, pronghorn, and a few armadillo. Sometimes historical markers on the side of the highway provide a quick rest and a history lesson, don’t be afraid to stop it will not disrupt your schedule.

3) An Open Mind – A roadtrip is freedom with a schedule and a destination. I always tell people who decide to take lone roadtrips to use the time wisely, to use that time to confront things you wouldn’t normally have time or energy to confront. There is a rhythm to roadtrips and a kind of zen to a roadtrip that can be meditative and so helpful when trying to clear your mind. Also, be up for anything – make a loose schedule and take time to get a frosty beverage or an ice cream if the opportunity presents itself.

4) Stay Safe and Make Smart Choices – There is always the need for safety and making smart choices. Take time to carefully plan your route, don’t drive if you are excessively tired, and watch your speed. Nothing puts a damper on an adventure than a speeding ticket or getting lost. Use your gut and listen to your gut instincts in situations. I recommend bringing a sleep mask just in case you need to pull over at a rest stop to take a little nap, just remember to lock your doors and hold onto your keys with the panic button and keep a cell phone nearby. It also couldn’t hurt to set an alarm when you take a little nap so you won’t sleep away your trip – this has happened to Chris more than he’d like to admit.

5) Pack Healthy Snacks and Treats Too – Anna loves her candy, I love munching on apples and Pirate Booty, and Chris loves gummy bears/gummy worms. No matter what you love to snack on make sure you have plenty of it.

6) Must Haves for Lone Roadtrippers – Besides snacks, music, and the basic emergency equipment what sets the lone roadtrip apart from regular roadtrip adventures is the need to do things and pack things that will help you take care of yourself. Here is what I recommend to keep your adventurous self happy, healthy, and emotionally fulfilled. I recommend the following: bring a journal and a good book for writing and reading during breaks from driving. Pack plenty of water, and have ice on hand especially when taking adventures in the summer. Pack ibuprofen, moisturizing eye drops, and gum/mints. I also recommend packing those little packets of tissues, it is inevitable that on a lone roadtrip I will cry whether it is about something that is finally coming up for me, the beautiful scenery, or for no reason at all – it is always good to have tissues.

Life is a great adventure, as we get older there are fewer and fewer opportunities for adventure. So get out there, see the country, and take in all of the beauty that is out there to experience. Take an alone adventure and experience the beauty of a true existential journey. If you see Anna out on the road honk at her and tell her I can’t wait to see her next week.